So I didn't get around to blogging about Week 6 and I wish I had but I did make my tube vid so if you're really wondering how my week has went, always check out my channel. Well it's just been a high pressure situation that really didn't have much of an end in sight.
The whole burial thing was rough. I was an emotional wreck at the graveyard, I thought I would be stronger as you don't actually see a body anymore and it's really putting a box in the ground but I completely lost it. My Poppa ment the world to me and was the glue to the very small family that we are. I just feel so lost and empty without him simply existing. My Grandma acted really dumb at the burial and has told my mom that she didn't want to host a luncheon afterwards so my mom and I planned to have one at our church and grandma simply went home after the burial and did not participate. But she had to have me over to her house for a cup of tea and kept making pots and pots of tea for all the people that she thought were coming over... and then she yelled at me because I told her no one was coming because she said she didn't want that. So I eventually escaped from the crazy house and went to the church luncheon. Little sandwiches challenge my efforts but I did ok at the church... but all the leftovers came to our house. GAH! I ate way too much because I was studying and just seemed to always be chowing on something.
Anyway, WI was alright. I couldn't believe it. I only gained half a pound! So yes, I have gained two weeks in a row but I'm only up one pound over two very difficult weeks. I feel that if I hadn't been trying to be OP it would have been a gain of at least two pounds each of those weeks. So I have more things coming (which have in reality already happend haha) such as going out of town to my friend's grad party which will also be challenging but I'm gonna do my best and use those WP's! But I'll write about how that all went down later, I am so exhausted (because yes, I am writing this after my GRAD!!!)
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (May 26/09): 251 lbs
Weight gain this week: 0.5 lbs
Total weight loss: 10 lbs
-Kira
Friday, June 5, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The week in summary and week 5 results
I'm in full on study mode now. I'm probably not going to be around as much as I want to be until after June 5th now due to my upcoming licencing exam and graduation, so my most sincere apologies in advance.
This week on WW was the most challenging yet. In previous attempts on WW, this kind of week would have sent me spiralling off plan so fast it would make your head spin! I will tell you now, I wasn't perfect by any means but I didn't end up being completely upset with myself at the end of the week and blowing off WW. I had a gain this week, which was expected. It was only a small gain of 0.5 lbs so I can handle it, usually if I gained 1 lb I'd be throwing it all out the window and going back to my unhealthy ways, I'm proud that I haven't caved... yet. So here I am at 250.5 lbs again, I need to shake out of these 250's!!!
So this past week I had a couple things on my calander. I went to a RNAO murder mystery dinner in celebration of Nurses week, where I was a character. The murder mystery was super fun, apparently if you play the part of the woman that obsessed over the person who died you are very high on the suspect list. Unfortunately, I ran into a buffet there which was just awful because I hardly ate anything that day due to random stupid figthing with my BF (no worries, we're all good now!). So I consumed 2 large pieces of very cheesy eggplant lasagna, a piece of chicken with cheese on it (I think it was going for a chicken parm look), potato wedges, some veggies, a bowl of soup, a small salad, like 5 small dinner rolls, and a small piece of cake. So pretty much used all the DP's and WP's there but the over consumption for the week didn't end there! URGH! Well when I got home from that, I was extremely nauseated and even vomitted a bit.
So I just stopped tracking too on Sunday. Sunday also included a lovely BBQ over at my BF's sister's new house and I was prepared for that... but then we started playing board games and the bowls of chips came out. I probably consumed half a bag of sun chips and I even ate some all dressed chips... but I don't like all dressed! WHY! Wasn't pleased with myself there either but it happend. I tried to get back on to tracking on Monday but I stopped half way through the day and didn't pick it back up until the new week started, though I tried to be mindful of what I was eating.
I was studying Monday night and the munchies set in... I have a big problem of mindlessly eating while under high stress in study mode. In the past when studying for exams, I could easily go through many snacks. It was kind of ridiculous how much I could pack away while studying, I never actually noticed. I started my old ritual then since I was studying at home and the fridge was literally 5 feet away from me. Ate all sorts of things I really didn't need and probably made WI that much worse...
So here I am, at a new week. Already know whats in store for me challenge wise as I need to study as much as humanly possible and we're burying my Poppa on saturday (he died when the ground was still frozen so they delay burials until spring here). High stress and emotions + food available = Challenge!
Also wanted to mention that I had my phone interview with Hamilton Health Sciences yesterday and I'll try to blog about that later. Must get my day started so I can study until the bitter end!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (May 19/09): 250.5 lbs
Weight gain this week: 0.5 lbs
Total weight loss: 10.5 lbs
-Kira
This week on WW was the most challenging yet. In previous attempts on WW, this kind of week would have sent me spiralling off plan so fast it would make your head spin! I will tell you now, I wasn't perfect by any means but I didn't end up being completely upset with myself at the end of the week and blowing off WW. I had a gain this week, which was expected. It was only a small gain of 0.5 lbs so I can handle it, usually if I gained 1 lb I'd be throwing it all out the window and going back to my unhealthy ways, I'm proud that I haven't caved... yet. So here I am at 250.5 lbs again, I need to shake out of these 250's!!!
So this past week I had a couple things on my calander. I went to a RNAO murder mystery dinner in celebration of Nurses week, where I was a character. The murder mystery was super fun, apparently if you play the part of the woman that obsessed over the person who died you are very high on the suspect list. Unfortunately, I ran into a buffet there which was just awful because I hardly ate anything that day due to random stupid figthing with my BF (no worries, we're all good now!). So I consumed 2 large pieces of very cheesy eggplant lasagna, a piece of chicken with cheese on it (I think it was going for a chicken parm look), potato wedges, some veggies, a bowl of soup, a small salad, like 5 small dinner rolls, and a small piece of cake. So pretty much used all the DP's and WP's there but the over consumption for the week didn't end there! URGH! Well when I got home from that, I was extremely nauseated and even vomitted a bit.
So I just stopped tracking too on Sunday. Sunday also included a lovely BBQ over at my BF's sister's new house and I was prepared for that... but then we started playing board games and the bowls of chips came out. I probably consumed half a bag of sun chips and I even ate some all dressed chips... but I don't like all dressed! WHY! Wasn't pleased with myself there either but it happend. I tried to get back on to tracking on Monday but I stopped half way through the day and didn't pick it back up until the new week started, though I tried to be mindful of what I was eating.
I was studying Monday night and the munchies set in... I have a big problem of mindlessly eating while under high stress in study mode. In the past when studying for exams, I could easily go through many snacks. It was kind of ridiculous how much I could pack away while studying, I never actually noticed. I started my old ritual then since I was studying at home and the fridge was literally 5 feet away from me. Ate all sorts of things I really didn't need and probably made WI that much worse...
So here I am, at a new week. Already know whats in store for me challenge wise as I need to study as much as humanly possible and we're burying my Poppa on saturday (he died when the ground was still frozen so they delay burials until spring here). High stress and emotions + food available = Challenge!
Also wanted to mention that I had my phone interview with Hamilton Health Sciences yesterday and I'll try to blog about that later. Must get my day started so I can study until the bitter end!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (May 19/09): 250.5 lbs
Weight gain this week: 0.5 lbs
Total weight loss: 10.5 lbs
-Kira
Monday, May 18, 2009
Week 4 Results... Way late
Here's a pic of the outfit I got for grad while I was at my friend's in Newmarket! Yes, the hall walls in my house are pink... don't be hatin'! lol I've been meaning to put this up for awhile :) I just haven't been in the blogging mood lately. I feel like I just repeat myself between the WW message boards, my WI videos and this blog. I hope people aren't getting annoyed or anything.
Anyway, I've been desperate to get in the 240's and with my travelling and such so I didn't know what was going to happen at my WI. Unfortunately, I'm still JUST in the 250's. I lost 0.5 lbs this week bringing me to 250 lbs on the nose. Again, frustrated with myself but it's a loss. I really need to start being happier about it... but I just feel like I have so much weight to lose and I just am not doing enough. My buddy on the boards mentioned sometime this past week about how like she see's these people who have like 4 kids, spouses, careers, and other obligations who manage to lose weight but here we are in our early/mid twenties with (in her case) pretty much just a job and BF (and in my case) nothing in hobolo world and we're just losing a half a pound a week.
I think I'm under a lot more stress than I am willing to admit to. I'm trying to find a job, field interviews, study for my licencing exam, help my mom with my wacko demented grandma, deal with my poppa's upcoming internment, get pumped for grad, and then not go nuts for living at home. I don't tell my mom how my WI's go because she just thinks that it's always so great and I must be losing so much weight but then she's comparable to a broom stick and whines to me about how she needs to take off 20 lbs but doesn't want to put any effort in. And I don't think it'll be any easier when my BF and I finally do get out of here. I just need a job in a place I'll be happy, then I might be able to work the rest out. I just don't know anymore. I'll stop whining about that now.
So when I got my usual Subway sandwich this week, it totally didn't have the scrabble pieces on the wrapper, so I went back to Subway with my mom to complain (yay! Got the pieces which included a $5 off a purchase thing). But I had forgot my snack for WI and had a bunch of points left for the day so mom and I ended up at DQ and I got a small hot fudge sundae. It was so small and it was 9 points. It really made me think about how I am distributing the points, like was that REALLY worth 9 points? I would say no now but if you asked me while I was shoving it in my mouth, I probably would have said yes :P There was also a small issue with my mom, a peanut buster parfait and the garbage... as in she threw out more than half of her PBP and I wanted to eat it upon seeing it. I did not. That would have been way gross...
Anyway, I have more to say about what's been going on this new week (in week 5) but I don't feel up to it right now and need to get some more studying done before Canada's Worst Handyman comes on at 2200 :P I love the Canada's Worst reality series! I'll try to blog again tomorrow.
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (May12/09): 250 lbs
Weight loss this week: 0.5 lbs
Total weight loss: 11 lbs
-Kira
Anyway, I've been desperate to get in the 240's and with my travelling and such so I didn't know what was going to happen at my WI. Unfortunately, I'm still JUST in the 250's. I lost 0.5 lbs this week bringing me to 250 lbs on the nose. Again, frustrated with myself but it's a loss. I really need to start being happier about it... but I just feel like I have so much weight to lose and I just am not doing enough. My buddy on the boards mentioned sometime this past week about how like she see's these people who have like 4 kids, spouses, careers, and other obligations who manage to lose weight but here we are in our early/mid twenties with (in her case) pretty much just a job and BF (and in my case) nothing in hobolo world and we're just losing a half a pound a week.
I think I'm under a lot more stress than I am willing to admit to. I'm trying to find a job, field interviews, study for my licencing exam, help my mom with my wacko demented grandma, deal with my poppa's upcoming internment, get pumped for grad, and then not go nuts for living at home. I don't tell my mom how my WI's go because she just thinks that it's always so great and I must be losing so much weight but then she's comparable to a broom stick and whines to me about how she needs to take off 20 lbs but doesn't want to put any effort in. And I don't think it'll be any easier when my BF and I finally do get out of here. I just need a job in a place I'll be happy, then I might be able to work the rest out. I just don't know anymore. I'll stop whining about that now.
So when I got my usual Subway sandwich this week, it totally didn't have the scrabble pieces on the wrapper, so I went back to Subway with my mom to complain (yay! Got the pieces which included a $5 off a purchase thing). But I had forgot my snack for WI and had a bunch of points left for the day so mom and I ended up at DQ and I got a small hot fudge sundae. It was so small and it was 9 points. It really made me think about how I am distributing the points, like was that REALLY worth 9 points? I would say no now but if you asked me while I was shoving it in my mouth, I probably would have said yes :P There was also a small issue with my mom, a peanut buster parfait and the garbage... as in she threw out more than half of her PBP and I wanted to eat it upon seeing it. I did not. That would have been way gross...
Anyway, I have more to say about what's been going on this new week (in week 5) but I don't feel up to it right now and need to get some more studying done before Canada's Worst Handyman comes on at 2200 :P I love the Canada's Worst reality series! I'll try to blog again tomorrow.
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (May12/09): 250 lbs
Weight loss this week: 0.5 lbs
Total weight loss: 11 lbs
-Kira
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Travelling OP (sort of) and my first interview!
So like I was saying in my last post, I had to go out of town for an interview at the end of the week. On Thursday, I was staying at my friend Nicole's house in Newmarket since my interview was in Milton on Friday. I did really well making myself a good breakfast before I left and packing lunch for the road, which wasn't hard since I had made ESBM Veggie Lasagna the night before for supper and there were leftovers! I knew I would be dipping into the WP's this week since my dad offered to take me out for dinner Thursday night. We went to the Keg and I got a small portion of prime rib, garlic mashed potatoes, veggies and a house salad with dressing on the side. I thought those were alright choices though I knew the potatoes were probably not the best but I was willing to splurge for good mashed potatoes. My dad ended up wanting to go out for lunch the next day too before I went to the interview so we went to Cora's and I got a chicken melt with a metric ton of fruit.
So that being the food recap, I didn't think that I did that badly. I ended up going on the Keg's website and looking at their nutritional info and apparently for an 8 oz serving of prime rib (which I'm not even sure thats what I had but was the smallest serving they listed) it ended up being 21 points... RAGE!!! My potatoes were 9 points, I was ok with that but 21 points for a little serving of prime rib??? I don't know if I really believe it. And Cora's is not all that healthy either. My chicken melt was pretty high in the points too. But it was yummy. But then when I got home on Friday, there was no dinner for me in the fridge when I had asked my mom to put something aside for me when I got home. I make dinner every night (with the exception of Tuesday since it's my WI day) so this wasn't a huge thing to ask for. My mom's dinner left overs were in the fridge. She fried shrimp in butter and there was so much butter, it had congealed in the fridge and the shrimp was stuck in it. And here comes the confession... I picked the shrimp out of the butter mess and ate some, then proceeding to drink about a cup worth of milk straight from the jug and then having 100 cal pack chocolate covered pretzels. I am a disgusting self-sabotaging cow.
Ok, so before I go on and confess about the rest of my weekend where I was at home, I'll talk about my interview! The interview itself was decent, I don't think I failed it by any means. There were a few things that kind of struck me as odd though such as the manager not being able to tell me what the new grad wage was and then telling me I had to tell her how serious I was about the position because it cost them money to check my references and they weren't going to do that unless I was serious... I realize that hospitals can't be throwing money around without purpose but throughout the whole interview, the manager just made me feel like they had no money and the department just had to make do with that. They also only have like 4 nurses on per shift for the whole department, which might be enough for the small department they are but just really didn't seem like enough to me. I guess I'm used to more people around and a much busier department. I have to contact the manager back by Tuesday to tell her if they should start calling my references, I think I'll tell her to keep me in mind for the positions they'll be opening in September and take my chances elsewhere. It didn't feel like a right fit for me... and maybe I've left my stupid job search too late but I really don't want to work where I'm not comfortable.
Anyway, so back to the stuff I have to fess up to. Saturday, my BF and I got up at 7 am to go to a police auction which was kinda fun but there wasn't anything there that interested me so we went home shortly after arriving. When we got home, I still felt tired so I went to lie down... and ended up sleeping until 3 pm... whoops. I managed to stay within my points that day but today I have no idea whats wrong with me but I went over my DP's by like 11 or something. This would normally be fine but that stupid 21 point prime rib screwed me over. And in the back of my mind, I just keep thinking that "oh it's not really that high in points, it's ok" and it's not ok to think this way!!! ARGH!!!
So currently, after all my WP's and AP's (there aren't many AP's), I am over by 4.5 points this week... I know I can earn the AP's by getting back into my daily walks but it's so frustrating. I feel so defeated and I can't imagine what I'm going to do when I get down to like 25 points a day. I know there are people doing WW on that many points right now and who are succeeding but it seems so overwhelming to me right now. And the worst part is I have to confess this to my lovely Katie tomorrow. I know she's not going to be disappointed but I don't want to tell her that I effed up. If I don't tell her, she'll just read about it here... at least I'm forcing myself to be accountable. It is against my free will but it's getting done I suppose. Ugh, and I didn't get a chance to do a YouTube video of my last WI yet. Hopefully I can do it tomorrow when my momma is gone to work. I'm not quitting, just at a point of frustration!
Oh yeah, and I have not been drinking enough water since Thursday. I expected to slack a bit on Thursday and Friday but I have let it drag out to Sunday. Someone kick my ass!
-Kira
So that being the food recap, I didn't think that I did that badly. I ended up going on the Keg's website and looking at their nutritional info and apparently for an 8 oz serving of prime rib (which I'm not even sure thats what I had but was the smallest serving they listed) it ended up being 21 points... RAGE!!! My potatoes were 9 points, I was ok with that but 21 points for a little serving of prime rib??? I don't know if I really believe it. And Cora's is not all that healthy either. My chicken melt was pretty high in the points too. But it was yummy. But then when I got home on Friday, there was no dinner for me in the fridge when I had asked my mom to put something aside for me when I got home. I make dinner every night (with the exception of Tuesday since it's my WI day) so this wasn't a huge thing to ask for. My mom's dinner left overs were in the fridge. She fried shrimp in butter and there was so much butter, it had congealed in the fridge and the shrimp was stuck in it. And here comes the confession... I picked the shrimp out of the butter mess and ate some, then proceeding to drink about a cup worth of milk straight from the jug and then having 100 cal pack chocolate covered pretzels. I am a disgusting self-sabotaging cow.
Ok, so before I go on and confess about the rest of my weekend where I was at home, I'll talk about my interview! The interview itself was decent, I don't think I failed it by any means. There were a few things that kind of struck me as odd though such as the manager not being able to tell me what the new grad wage was and then telling me I had to tell her how serious I was about the position because it cost them money to check my references and they weren't going to do that unless I was serious... I realize that hospitals can't be throwing money around without purpose but throughout the whole interview, the manager just made me feel like they had no money and the department just had to make do with that. They also only have like 4 nurses on per shift for the whole department, which might be enough for the small department they are but just really didn't seem like enough to me. I guess I'm used to more people around and a much busier department. I have to contact the manager back by Tuesday to tell her if they should start calling my references, I think I'll tell her to keep me in mind for the positions they'll be opening in September and take my chances elsewhere. It didn't feel like a right fit for me... and maybe I've left my stupid job search too late but I really don't want to work where I'm not comfortable.
Anyway, so back to the stuff I have to fess up to. Saturday, my BF and I got up at 7 am to go to a police auction which was kinda fun but there wasn't anything there that interested me so we went home shortly after arriving. When we got home, I still felt tired so I went to lie down... and ended up sleeping until 3 pm... whoops. I managed to stay within my points that day but today I have no idea whats wrong with me but I went over my DP's by like 11 or something. This would normally be fine but that stupid 21 point prime rib screwed me over. And in the back of my mind, I just keep thinking that "oh it's not really that high in points, it's ok" and it's not ok to think this way!!! ARGH!!!
So currently, after all my WP's and AP's (there aren't many AP's), I am over by 4.5 points this week... I know I can earn the AP's by getting back into my daily walks but it's so frustrating. I feel so defeated and I can't imagine what I'm going to do when I get down to like 25 points a day. I know there are people doing WW on that many points right now and who are succeeding but it seems so overwhelming to me right now. And the worst part is I have to confess this to my lovely Katie tomorrow. I know she's not going to be disappointed but I don't want to tell her that I effed up. If I don't tell her, she'll just read about it here... at least I'm forcing myself to be accountable. It is against my free will but it's getting done I suppose. Ugh, and I didn't get a chance to do a YouTube video of my last WI yet. Hopefully I can do it tomorrow when my momma is gone to work. I'm not quitting, just at a point of frustration!
Oh yeah, and I have not been drinking enough water since Thursday. I expected to slack a bit on Thursday and Friday but I have let it drag out to Sunday. Someone kick my ass!
-Kira
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Week 3 Results
So this week I worked really hard because I was at 253 lbs last week. I wanted to push myself as much as I could to shake off 3.5 lbs this week to break into the 240's, I figured it was realistic since I did lose 3 lbs last week. Well my WI was excellent for an average week, down 2.5 lbs bringing my current weight to 250.5 lbs! But am I over the moon happy about it? Not exactly... This week I was saving all my WP's and AP's for the breakfast that I went out for with my friends but I still managed to keep that day withing my DP's as I made good choices at while dining out. So I thought to myself, ok if I've managed not to dip into my WP or AP reserve up until this point, why should I now? In addition to thinking that this would help me to re-align myself totally with the plan, I thought since I ate some WP's and AP's in the weeks before and lost a good number of poundage in those weeks that if I didn't dip into the extra, I might lose more. So that didn't happen. I don't know why I am disappointed but I need to not think this way anymore. I expect way too much from myself far too quickly, I didn't get fat all at once so why do I think that it should all come off instantly?
In other news, I have my very first job interview on Friday in Milton. It is for a New Grad position in their Emergency Department. So I'll be travelling to Newmarket on Thursday to stay over at a friend's house and then after my interview on Friday I'm driving straight home. My dad and I are going out to dinner Thursday night so I am anticipating using the WP's and AP's this week for sure. I have planned to bring along breakfast. lunches and snacks to keep me as OP as possible, I hope since I'm travelling by myself this time I do much better. I have very few funds at this point in time so taking stuff along versus buying and consuming should help in that way too!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (May 5/09): 250.5 lbs
Weight loss this week: 2.5 lbs
Total weight loss: 10.5 lbs
-Kira
In other news, I have my very first job interview on Friday in Milton. It is for a New Grad position in their Emergency Department. So I'll be travelling to Newmarket on Thursday to stay over at a friend's house and then after my interview on Friday I'm driving straight home. My dad and I are going out to dinner Thursday night so I am anticipating using the WP's and AP's this week for sure. I have planned to bring along breakfast. lunches and snacks to keep me as OP as possible, I hope since I'm travelling by myself this time I do much better. I have very few funds at this point in time so taking stuff along versus buying and consuming should help in that way too!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (May 5/09): 250.5 lbs
Weight loss this week: 2.5 lbs
Total weight loss: 10.5 lbs
-Kira
Friday, May 1, 2009
Gaining more self-control
This morning was when I was supposed to go out for breakfast with my friend from out of town and local highschool friends at the truckstop. I need to say that I am VERY proud of myself and managed to chose a veggie omlette with 1 egg and 2 egg whites and an english muffin. The only thing about my meal that was kind of dissappointing was the english muffin came saturated in butter. I really didn't hold back and actually tried to soak some of it up with my napkin! It worked a bit but there was still some in the thicker half of the english muffin. In comparison to what my friends ordered (someone even ordered a chocolate milkshake), my breakfast was ver WW friendly. Oh, I looked at pancakes on the menu and I wanted those pancakes but I decided that it wasn't worth it and that I would make my own healthier pancakes at home sometime this week.
So I don't usually get very emotional or anything during my TOM but today was outrageous. I got thinking about my current job situation late this morning and it completely overwhelmed me. I really think I had a small anxiety attack and it included crying and everything. Not one of my finer moments but in the heat of it, I found myself in front of the fridge... searching. At this point, I hadn't had lunch yet and only moments before I had not been hungry enough to have lunch, but I found myself ignoring the fact that I had already planned to have a salad and crustini. In the past, I have turned to food for comfort with no regard for the fact that I am doing WW and it's always the bad stuff, like making a batch of chololate chip cookies, eating half of the batter and then half of the cookies that are baked. I am a binge eater and as soon as I feel emotional pain, all I want to do is binge. Today was no exception.
The only difference between today and the binge days of the past is I woke up out of my trance and said out loud "Kira! What are you doing?" I literally JUST survived going out to breakfast with my friends at a truckstop, why am I trying to ruin my day with the junk thats in the house??? And trust me, the junk thats in my house isn't anything I really want, it's all my mom's. So I walked away from the fridge and decided that if I was going to have a snack right then and there, I could track it first and eat it as slowly as possible. An apple pie Larabar at 3 points saved my day. I really believe that I enjoyed that Larabar more than the bingefest I could have pursued. Plus, I didn't have to beat myself up for it and try to count up points for damage control!
I feel so much better being in control. I literally had no control at some points in time in the past. I can't say for sure that I won't have moments of weakness in the future and indulge myself a little, but I'm done with the self-destructive behaviour and out of control binging. I think that I'm starting to gain more respect for myself by not allowing these destructive patterns to continue and be a part of my lifestyle. There is no need for binging, it only provides a false sense of comfort that soon after turns to regret. I am pleased to say that my WP's and AP's are still fully intact for this week. Really, 32 points in a day is enough... when I get to a lower weight, I'm going to have to do it on less. I know they're there and I can have them when I want but I need to first become fully adjusted to a limited number of points per day. Anyway, thats what has been on my mind.
-Kira
So I don't usually get very emotional or anything during my TOM but today was outrageous. I got thinking about my current job situation late this morning and it completely overwhelmed me. I really think I had a small anxiety attack and it included crying and everything. Not one of my finer moments but in the heat of it, I found myself in front of the fridge... searching. At this point, I hadn't had lunch yet and only moments before I had not been hungry enough to have lunch, but I found myself ignoring the fact that I had already planned to have a salad and crustini. In the past, I have turned to food for comfort with no regard for the fact that I am doing WW and it's always the bad stuff, like making a batch of chololate chip cookies, eating half of the batter and then half of the cookies that are baked. I am a binge eater and as soon as I feel emotional pain, all I want to do is binge. Today was no exception.
The only difference between today and the binge days of the past is I woke up out of my trance and said out loud "Kira! What are you doing?" I literally JUST survived going out to breakfast with my friends at a truckstop, why am I trying to ruin my day with the junk thats in the house??? And trust me, the junk thats in my house isn't anything I really want, it's all my mom's. So I walked away from the fridge and decided that if I was going to have a snack right then and there, I could track it first and eat it as slowly as possible. An apple pie Larabar at 3 points saved my day. I really believe that I enjoyed that Larabar more than the bingefest I could have pursued. Plus, I didn't have to beat myself up for it and try to count up points for damage control!
I feel so much better being in control. I literally had no control at some points in time in the past. I can't say for sure that I won't have moments of weakness in the future and indulge myself a little, but I'm done with the self-destructive behaviour and out of control binging. I think that I'm starting to gain more respect for myself by not allowing these destructive patterns to continue and be a part of my lifestyle. There is no need for binging, it only provides a false sense of comfort that soon after turns to regret. I am pleased to say that my WP's and AP's are still fully intact for this week. Really, 32 points in a day is enough... when I get to a lower weight, I'm going to have to do it on less. I know they're there and I can have them when I want but I need to first become fully adjusted to a limited number of points per day. Anyway, thats what has been on my mind.
-Kira
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Week 2 Results
So this week went wayyyyy better than last week, even with the buffet after last WI (which would really be on last weeks tab anyway... oh right, I had no tab left!) and the first day that included eating out twice plus a very big cookie. I am proud to report that I have 12 WP's left and I earned 17 AP's since Thursday! My eating is starting to get sorted out as I'm really getting back into the OP swing of things and it feels good. It's not "perfect" yet as I do get hungry and stuff but I'm used to eating a lot more so I need to reshape my stomach bag a bit I think.
Anyway, really great WI was had tonight! I am down 3 lbs this week bringing my 2 week total up to 8 lbs!!! Oh my, I was so proud sitting in that meeting tonight :) On the walk home, I picked up subs from Subway for my BF and I for supper. I got home so friggin late from the meeting though! It's very different walking places than just hoping in the car and going. I got in just before 2000 (to catch the Biggest Loser!) and after finishing my sub, was considering dipping into those extra points I had left over from the week as I had already planned out the perfect OP day as a treat/reward to myself. I always used to do this the last few times I have been OP... well actually, just after WI's I wouldn't count Tuesday night. Not a great idea but I am the girl who rewarded herself with food, old habits die hard.
Well, boy am I ever glad I did not do it. I hopped on Facebook for a minute and got a message from a good friend from highschool who lives in Ottawa for school now (the girl who's grad show I went to see the last weekend I was in Ottawa) inviting the good ol' highschool gang out for breakfast on Friday as she will be in town for only like 2 days and of course she wants to see everyone. Great! We're going to the Irving Truck Stop restaurant for breakfast. What is the problem with that you may ask? The portions are huge, the food is unhealthy (like seriously, they don't serve fruit) and I can't remember what's on the menu because I haven't been there in a pretty long time... Well thats a lie, but the last time I was there it was a late dinner that involved poutine and wasn't exactly scoping out the menu for healthy choices. And local greasy spoons don't really list their menu's online either.
So what am I going to do? PANIC?!?! Nah, I'm hoping I can manage with the bit of a plan that I have slapped together in the last hour. So here's the plan, I'll just keep all my WP's for Friday and earn more AP's. The old me would have waved the white flag high up in the air and just dived into the oversized pancakes with tons of "table syrup" (I told you I am a carb-o-holic, see? Pancakes turn my crank :P) and then instantly felt regret and beat myself up for it for days. I am going to do my research and try to figure out points for a variety of things that I can kind of expect so I am armed to the best of my ability. I'm also considering biking to the restaurant (if I can ever find my Gee Dee bike lock!) so I don't overindulge, it'd just help. So thats my game plan... suggestions, comments and advise are welcomed and encouraged!
I also got my bike repaired this week. Hopefully I can use it to get some more activity points, but I just used it today to travel from my mechanic's garage and back and wow, am I out of shape with that too. Like come on! I'm too out of shape to bike? I know I've just got to build myself up like I did with the walking and not give up but COME ON! SERIOUSLY?!?! My lack of ability totally frustrates me. Like I said, I earned 17 AP's this week with walking from Thursday to Tuesday (with the exception of the time I needed to call my mom because of the T-storm). I'm hoping to walk everyday, which would earn me 21 AP's, and then I would like to add in some biking... but I'm not sure how much would be realistic for me. Maybe 10 AP's in the week? I'll figure it out and maybe announce it in my next YouTube video. Anyway, that's enough for me tonight!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (April 28/09): 253 lbs
Weight loss this week: 3 lbs
Total weight loss: 8 lbs
-Kira
Anyway, really great WI was had tonight! I am down 3 lbs this week bringing my 2 week total up to 8 lbs!!! Oh my, I was so proud sitting in that meeting tonight :) On the walk home, I picked up subs from Subway for my BF and I for supper. I got home so friggin late from the meeting though! It's very different walking places than just hoping in the car and going. I got in just before 2000 (to catch the Biggest Loser!) and after finishing my sub, was considering dipping into those extra points I had left over from the week as I had already planned out the perfect OP day as a treat/reward to myself. I always used to do this the last few times I have been OP... well actually, just after WI's I wouldn't count Tuesday night. Not a great idea but I am the girl who rewarded herself with food, old habits die hard.
Well, boy am I ever glad I did not do it. I hopped on Facebook for a minute and got a message from a good friend from highschool who lives in Ottawa for school now (the girl who's grad show I went to see the last weekend I was in Ottawa) inviting the good ol' highschool gang out for breakfast on Friday as she will be in town for only like 2 days and of course she wants to see everyone. Great! We're going to the Irving Truck Stop restaurant for breakfast. What is the problem with that you may ask? The portions are huge, the food is unhealthy (like seriously, they don't serve fruit) and I can't remember what's on the menu because I haven't been there in a pretty long time... Well thats a lie, but the last time I was there it was a late dinner that involved poutine and wasn't exactly scoping out the menu for healthy choices. And local greasy spoons don't really list their menu's online either.
So what am I going to do? PANIC?!?! Nah, I'm hoping I can manage with the bit of a plan that I have slapped together in the last hour. So here's the plan, I'll just keep all my WP's for Friday and earn more AP's. The old me would have waved the white flag high up in the air and just dived into the oversized pancakes with tons of "table syrup" (I told you I am a carb-o-holic, see? Pancakes turn my crank :P) and then instantly felt regret and beat myself up for it for days. I am going to do my research and try to figure out points for a variety of things that I can kind of expect so I am armed to the best of my ability. I'm also considering biking to the restaurant (if I can ever find my Gee Dee bike lock!) so I don't overindulge, it'd just help. So thats my game plan... suggestions, comments and advise are welcomed and encouraged!
I also got my bike repaired this week. Hopefully I can use it to get some more activity points, but I just used it today to travel from my mechanic's garage and back and wow, am I out of shape with that too. Like come on! I'm too out of shape to bike? I know I've just got to build myself up like I did with the walking and not give up but COME ON! SERIOUSLY?!?! My lack of ability totally frustrates me. Like I said, I earned 17 AP's this week with walking from Thursday to Tuesday (with the exception of the time I needed to call my mom because of the T-storm). I'm hoping to walk everyday, which would earn me 21 AP's, and then I would like to add in some biking... but I'm not sure how much would be realistic for me. Maybe 10 AP's in the week? I'll figure it out and maybe announce it in my next YouTube video. Anyway, that's enough for me tonight!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (April 28/09): 253 lbs
Weight loss this week: 3 lbs
Total weight loss: 8 lbs
-Kira
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Unsupportiveness?
I ment to mention this in my last post but it got a little long and involved with my WI and trip out of town. My BF is totally my best friend, and I am that for him as well. The first time I did WW, I was in grade 11 in highschool and I was actively pursuing Chris who was not my BF at the time. He has seen me at my lowest weight and after we started going out, I stopped doing WW because I guess I got the guy. I started putting on weight and in between I did WW on and off but I never did the follow through. Here I am almost 7 years into this relationship and all I've done is gain almost 100 lbs. I think my lowest weight has been in the 160's and I remember I wore a size 10 dress from Fairweather to a formal.
So all the other times that I have done WW, I always told my BF how much weight I lost per week but I never told him the gains. He always used to be really proud and supportive when I told him that kind of stuff, althought I never told him my starting/current weight. I asked him once how much he thought I weighed when I was hovering in the 240's and he told me that he thought I was close to 200 lbs. I always felt really ashamed of my actual weight after that because I know he didn't low ball his answers like guys usually do... he's my best friend and we have a relationship where we can talk about anything.
So I had my WI on Tuesday and when I got in the car, I asked him if he wanted to know how my first week back OP was. I was very surprised to hear him tell me that he didn't care and that it didn't make a difference if he knew or not. I was really shocked to hear him say that... and going out for supper at a buffet ensued after that, I think I overate a little due to those extremely unkind words. But now that I reflect on it, it really helps me to realize that I have to finish it this time. No one, other than my mom, has seen me try and fail so many times than Chris. I do really well, and then something comes up where I get off track and I just feel like I've gone too far and I quit. I really can't do that this time, I have a lot of things to keep me accountable now.
So all the other times that I have done WW, I always told my BF how much weight I lost per week but I never told him the gains. He always used to be really proud and supportive when I told him that kind of stuff, althought I never told him my starting/current weight. I asked him once how much he thought I weighed when I was hovering in the 240's and he told me that he thought I was close to 200 lbs. I always felt really ashamed of my actual weight after that because I know he didn't low ball his answers like guys usually do... he's my best friend and we have a relationship where we can talk about anything.
So I had my WI on Tuesday and when I got in the car, I asked him if he wanted to know how my first week back OP was. I was very surprised to hear him tell me that he didn't care and that it didn't make a difference if he knew or not. I was really shocked to hear him say that... and going out for supper at a buffet ensued after that, I think I overate a little due to those extremely unkind words. But now that I reflect on it, it really helps me to realize that I have to finish it this time. No one, other than my mom, has seen me try and fail so many times than Chris. I do really well, and then something comes up where I get off track and I just feel like I've gone too far and I quit. I really can't do that this time, I have a lot of things to keep me accountable now.
- Meetings. I cannot quit and rejoin at my meeting after gaining a ton of weight again. It was very embarrassing and humbling to do it this time, I do not have the courage to do it again if I fall off track... so I won't.
- WW message boards. Maybe no one would notice if I vanished from them but when I came back and told everybody how I was rejoining, some people actually remembered me. Maybe I do mean something there.
- Accountability buddy. So there's this girl that has never met me nor knows my horrible WW history who has agreed to be my accountability buddy. I cannot believe that someone would do that... and she has been awesome so far! I think she might kick my ass if I dropped off the face of the earth to run away with bread.
- This damned blog. I used to have a livejournal for just personal blogging, it never worked out because I'd neglect to post updates and then feel like it's been to long since updating to post. Well now that my blog is focused on my WW journey, I feel like a lot of stress to blog is gone. I can write what I want, when I want because it's there to help me through my journey. If others read it out of interest, great.
- My YouTube channel. I like that I started making videos. I feel like if I stopped that, I'd regret it a great deal. It's not very popular but the subscribers I have now are wonderful :)
- My BF. I need to show him I'm better than what my track record has demonstrated. I'm definately not doing this for him, I don't think he cares really what my weight is. I just want to be healthy.
I just needed to get that off my chest. Better go and get ready to venture off to the library, today is the last Sunday it's open until September :(
-Kira
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Week 1 Results (a bit late)
My first week back OP went pretty well, at least I was satisfied. I used all of my WP and AP's, I guess I just needed to adjust to eating less and better quality foods. Unfortunately, I had to go out of town to Sudbury because my former boss's 17 year old son had passed away. I worked for one of the city pools for 2 years while I was there for school and this lady was a primo boss, so I decided to go back up to Sudbury to show my support for her. Her son had Duchen's Muscular Distrophy and was in a wheelchair, actually around this time last year he had a fall out of it and broke his femur. That eventually escalated into him developing a pulmonary embolism (basically a clot in his lung) and within the past few months, he developed pneumonia which finally put too much stress on him. Just incase you were wondering how this young boy came to pass. So my intentions were very good for the trip but they didn't exactly work out all that well.
I packed a lunch and multiple snacks for the car ride on both Tuesday and Wednesday, I even made a fruit salad for Wednesday morning so my BF and I didn't have to spend a ton of money eating out. I didn't eat many of my snacks in the car and it was getting close to WI time so I didn't want to eat much more. The water also suffered on the trip because bathrooms are few and far between driving up hwy 17. I had to WI at my old meeting location but I knew my starting weight there was lower than what I had started at this time around. I tried to explain to the lady at the scale that she had to change my starting weight but she really was not accomodating and just didn't. So that scale said that I had gained 7 lbs but actually since I rejoined at home, I have lost 5 lbs!
I'm trying not to get overly excited about my loss as this always happens when I restart the program. I really need to re-adjust my expectations, as this is where I get frustrated. I just don't lose the weight as fast as I feel I should. I watch shows like the Biggest Loser and I think that I should just drop the weight but I definately do not work as hard as the people on the show. I also get quite overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose. I'm kind of tossing around 140 lbs as my goal weight, but I am scared it might be too low for my height of 5'9". That can always be revised but at minimum, I'm looking at 100+ lbs. Everyone says to look at it with small goals in mind but I have always had great difficulty with that. I'm trying to just look forward to the first 10 lbs for the time being.
After my WI, I stumbled a little. My BF and I went out for dinner at an italian buffet where I tried to control myself by only eating until I was satisfied, but I do realize that I overindulged. I always seem to think that "Oh, WI is over. It doesn't matter what I eat now, my week restarts tomorrow." I know I have to change that aswell since that only creates more work for me in the next week! See? I know this program too well!
Anyway, the next day was a bit better. I did have that lovely fruit salad I made for breakfast but after the funeral, my friends from work wanted to go out for lunch and we ended up at Boston Pizza. I think I made a good choice there as I got a 6" BBQ Chicken Pizza (my absolute fave BP food) with a side salad. I definately wasn't expecting to have lunch in Sudbury, my BF and I were planning on stopping at our favourite cafe in North Bay for a late lunch/early supper. Well I couldn't say no to my friends that I won't see again for a long time so we ended up staying in the city awjile longer and stopping for supper in the Bay too. Ok choices there too, soup, salad and a philly cheesesteak sandwich (ok, maybe that wasn't the greatest :P) but then as we were leaving, I got a stupid cookie. I really didn't need that cookie and it really wasn't that good.
I also need to confess that I have a Larabar addiction. Those things are sooooo good. I could eat 2 a day easy! I also have an accountability buddy from the message boards, who I definatly neglected being accountable to but I think we have that all sorted out now. So here's my shout out to Katie :) ALSO!!! I have a YouTube channel! Check it out @ http://www.youtube.com/user/abcdefghijkira I'm going to try to do weekly videos to share my journey with whoever cares to watch. Anyway, thats enough from me for now!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (April 21/09): 256 lbs
Total weight loss: 5 lbs
-Kira
I packed a lunch and multiple snacks for the car ride on both Tuesday and Wednesday, I even made a fruit salad for Wednesday morning so my BF and I didn't have to spend a ton of money eating out. I didn't eat many of my snacks in the car and it was getting close to WI time so I didn't want to eat much more. The water also suffered on the trip because bathrooms are few and far between driving up hwy 17. I had to WI at my old meeting location but I knew my starting weight there was lower than what I had started at this time around. I tried to explain to the lady at the scale that she had to change my starting weight but she really was not accomodating and just didn't. So that scale said that I had gained 7 lbs but actually since I rejoined at home, I have lost 5 lbs!
I'm trying not to get overly excited about my loss as this always happens when I restart the program. I really need to re-adjust my expectations, as this is where I get frustrated. I just don't lose the weight as fast as I feel I should. I watch shows like the Biggest Loser and I think that I should just drop the weight but I definately do not work as hard as the people on the show. I also get quite overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose. I'm kind of tossing around 140 lbs as my goal weight, but I am scared it might be too low for my height of 5'9". That can always be revised but at minimum, I'm looking at 100+ lbs. Everyone says to look at it with small goals in mind but I have always had great difficulty with that. I'm trying to just look forward to the first 10 lbs for the time being.
After my WI, I stumbled a little. My BF and I went out for dinner at an italian buffet where I tried to control myself by only eating until I was satisfied, but I do realize that I overindulged. I always seem to think that "Oh, WI is over. It doesn't matter what I eat now, my week restarts tomorrow." I know I have to change that aswell since that only creates more work for me in the next week! See? I know this program too well!
Anyway, the next day was a bit better. I did have that lovely fruit salad I made for breakfast but after the funeral, my friends from work wanted to go out for lunch and we ended up at Boston Pizza. I think I made a good choice there as I got a 6" BBQ Chicken Pizza (my absolute fave BP food) with a side salad. I definately wasn't expecting to have lunch in Sudbury, my BF and I were planning on stopping at our favourite cafe in North Bay for a late lunch/early supper. Well I couldn't say no to my friends that I won't see again for a long time so we ended up staying in the city awjile longer and stopping for supper in the Bay too. Ok choices there too, soup, salad and a philly cheesesteak sandwich (ok, maybe that wasn't the greatest :P) but then as we were leaving, I got a stupid cookie. I really didn't need that cookie and it really wasn't that good.
I also need to confess that I have a Larabar addiction. Those things are sooooo good. I could eat 2 a day easy! I also have an accountability buddy from the message boards, who I definatly neglected being accountable to but I think we have that all sorted out now. So here's my shout out to Katie :) ALSO!!! I have a YouTube channel! Check it out @ http://www.youtube.com/user/abcdefghijkira I'm going to try to do weekly videos to share my journey with whoever cares to watch. Anyway, thats enough from me for now!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (April 21/09): 256 lbs
Total weight loss: 5 lbs
-Kira
Monday, April 20, 2009
Carb-a-holic
I often hear/read people/posts talking about how they have this one thing that is their total weakness such as chocolate or chips, you know those kind of things. I have often tried to figure out what my kryptonite food was but I could never narrow it down. Well, I finally have a name for myself and it is CARB-O-HOLIC. I love bread, buns, cake, muffins, etc. and honeslty could eat a dozen soft chewy buns in a blink of an eye (I never have but I've wanted to). When I was in highschool and I went to Curves, I tried their diet program and basically their approach was to limit my carb intake and up my protein. That did not work for me, I did try but I was constantly seeking the stuff I liked in low-carb form and when it turned out to be revolting, I just lied to myself and cheated.
Coffee shops with their baked treats are hell for me. I can control myself but sometimes I don't want to. That right there is what I need to control. I often think that maybe I'm bulemic but I don't like to throw up because I can binge on this kind of stuff and it feels like what I want to do. I always feel completely aweful afterwards but in my head, it's never really that bad. I sincerly appreciate that WW doesn't expect me to give up the carbs I love so much but honestly, I wish I just had a thing for chocolate. It's not that it seems like an easier addiction (which I am sure it is not) but it's more that it is one that more people can relate to. Well, thats what I think anyway but who the hell am I really? LOL
-Kira
Coffee shops with their baked treats are hell for me. I can control myself but sometimes I don't want to. That right there is what I need to control. I often think that maybe I'm bulemic but I don't like to throw up because I can binge on this kind of stuff and it feels like what I want to do. I always feel completely aweful afterwards but in my head, it's never really that bad. I sincerly appreciate that WW doesn't expect me to give up the carbs I love so much but honestly, I wish I just had a thing for chocolate. It's not that it seems like an easier addiction (which I am sure it is not) but it's more that it is one that more people can relate to. Well, thats what I think anyway but who the hell am I really? LOL
-Kira
Challenges past and challenges future
Getting back on track was way tougher than I originally anticipated. Why do I think it's so easy everytime I rejoin? Even though I get 33 points a day, I friggin went over and used my extra points on most days. BUT! I did it with my eyes closed and ate the stuff without tracking until later... so they're all gone. Good thing I did some activity this week, I hope it's enough and I tracked it right. The walk to and from the library is working out alright, it's really forcing me to study for my licencing exam. It really made me realize how out of shape I was/am, my hips hurt so bad the first time I did it and I really just wanted to drive after that but since I have very few monies at this time, it keeps me from getting in the car.
I was also nervous to go to Ottawa yesterday for Costco shopping and Court's grad show since I usually blow it when leaving the safety of our kitchen. I did so well though! I'm so proud of myself and it was very encouraging to survive not one but two meals out and have 3.5 points left when I got home! The trip to Starbucks before leaving Ottawa after dinner was a poor decision though as I am wide awake at 0330. While I was out yesterday, I managed to get my copy of the new Hungry Girl book! I have already flipped through all the pages and wow, does it ever look like great stuff. It always pisses me off that we don't have some of the stuff the recipes call for in Canada but etools saves my butt there. I also recently got Eat Shrink and Be Merry and tried the pizza crust and sauce to make a great pizza loaded with veggies and some ground turk. The whole thing was gone by the end of dinner, mom actually ate it and Chris seemed pleased with it too! So that will be repeated for sure and soon :)
So as for upcoming challenges, I don't get to weigh in at my meeting this week. My old boss's son passed away, so I'm heading up to Sudbury on Tuesday to be supportive. I can weigh in up there so not really a big deal but I wanted to go to MY meeting. This trip must be planned and packed for emmaculately foodwise for me, and Chris will want some too so I guess I should pack extra :P I'm just gonna pack breakfast and lunch stuff, eating out for supper can be managed. It's only an overnight thing but travelling usually destroys me... But if I managed yesterday in Ottawa with mom, I can do this.
Picked up Larabars at Costco today. Those are the most delish things ever! Will be fitting one of those into my points every fricken day.
-Kira
I was also nervous to go to Ottawa yesterday for Costco shopping and Court's grad show since I usually blow it when leaving the safety of our kitchen. I did so well though! I'm so proud of myself and it was very encouraging to survive not one but two meals out and have 3.5 points left when I got home! The trip to Starbucks before leaving Ottawa after dinner was a poor decision though as I am wide awake at 0330. While I was out yesterday, I managed to get my copy of the new Hungry Girl book! I have already flipped through all the pages and wow, does it ever look like great stuff. It always pisses me off that we don't have some of the stuff the recipes call for in Canada but etools saves my butt there. I also recently got Eat Shrink and Be Merry and tried the pizza crust and sauce to make a great pizza loaded with veggies and some ground turk. The whole thing was gone by the end of dinner, mom actually ate it and Chris seemed pleased with it too! So that will be repeated for sure and soon :)
So as for upcoming challenges, I don't get to weigh in at my meeting this week. My old boss's son passed away, so I'm heading up to Sudbury on Tuesday to be supportive. I can weigh in up there so not really a big deal but I wanted to go to MY meeting. This trip must be planned and packed for emmaculately foodwise for me, and Chris will want some too so I guess I should pack extra :P I'm just gonna pack breakfast and lunch stuff, eating out for supper can be managed. It's only an overnight thing but travelling usually destroys me... But if I managed yesterday in Ottawa with mom, I can do this.
Picked up Larabars at Costco today. Those are the most delish things ever! Will be fitting one of those into my points every fricken day.
-Kira
Friday, April 17, 2009
First Post!
So here I am again. I have moved back home after finishing school for the year, except it's a little different this time around. I'm graduating this year, so this means I have to find myself a job and a new place to live. I'm not staying in my hometown as it's a bit of a black hole and my boyfriend can't find a good job in his field of interest so we're blowing this joint as soon as I get hired.
So why am I rejoining WW? There are definately a few reasons.
1) Around Christmas, I literally had no pants to wear. So I went to Reitmans and bought a couple pair of jeans and a pair of dress pants in a size... 18. Never before had I needed to go above a size 16 and it spooked me.
2) I have always managed to stay under the 250 mark and basically always assumed I would never let myself get over that line. Well my Poppa passed away quite suddenly and I cried, and I ate, and I ate and cried simutaneously. I finally saw 251 on the scale and by the time I moved home and such, the scale told me I was 255.
3) I am not happy with myself in a few ways. I don't like the way I look, I don't like the danger I have put myself in with repsect to developing serious health conditions, and I do not like the way I eat. As much as my boyfriend says that I'm beautiful no matter what size I am, I feel like one day I could no longer be attractive to him. I want him to always want me, as much as I always want him. I am a nurse and I know what I'm doing to myself. I am eating myself to death, quite literally. My dad was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and he's changed his lifestyle, but that puts me at a higher risk... and I don't like those odds. I simply eat crap. No way around that fact, but it's gotta stop.
4) I want to get married and have my body ready for babies. I want to look so beautiful on my wedding day and not have family members gossiping about how fat I am and that I've been this way since I was a kid. And as much as I hate the way my friend's kid's act, I still want my own. I think they deserve to incubate in a healthy environment.
I rejoined WW meetings this past Tuesday (April 14, 2009) and weighed in at 261 lbs. I was absolutely shocked and speechless at seeing that weight in my little weight tracking book, like literally I contributed nothing to the meeting where I usually talk a bunch. I need to make this work and this time I will. I am committing to not stopping. I want to succeed where I have not succeeded so many times before. I know that I need a ton of support, which is why I have become more active on the WW community message boards and am contemplating doing video posts on youtube like so many inspiring people do. Maybe one day I can inspire someone.
-Kira
So why am I rejoining WW? There are definately a few reasons.
1) Around Christmas, I literally had no pants to wear. So I went to Reitmans and bought a couple pair of jeans and a pair of dress pants in a size... 18. Never before had I needed to go above a size 16 and it spooked me.
2) I have always managed to stay under the 250 mark and basically always assumed I would never let myself get over that line. Well my Poppa passed away quite suddenly and I cried, and I ate, and I ate and cried simutaneously. I finally saw 251 on the scale and by the time I moved home and such, the scale told me I was 255.
3) I am not happy with myself in a few ways. I don't like the way I look, I don't like the danger I have put myself in with repsect to developing serious health conditions, and I do not like the way I eat. As much as my boyfriend says that I'm beautiful no matter what size I am, I feel like one day I could no longer be attractive to him. I want him to always want me, as much as I always want him. I am a nurse and I know what I'm doing to myself. I am eating myself to death, quite literally. My dad was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and he's changed his lifestyle, but that puts me at a higher risk... and I don't like those odds. I simply eat crap. No way around that fact, but it's gotta stop.
4) I want to get married and have my body ready for babies. I want to look so beautiful on my wedding day and not have family members gossiping about how fat I am and that I've been this way since I was a kid. And as much as I hate the way my friend's kid's act, I still want my own. I think they deserve to incubate in a healthy environment.
I rejoined WW meetings this past Tuesday (April 14, 2009) and weighed in at 261 lbs. I was absolutely shocked and speechless at seeing that weight in my little weight tracking book, like literally I contributed nothing to the meeting where I usually talk a bunch. I need to make this work and this time I will. I am committing to not stopping. I want to succeed where I have not succeeded so many times before. I know that I need a ton of support, which is why I have become more active on the WW community message boards and am contemplating doing video posts on youtube like so many inspiring people do. Maybe one day I can inspire someone.
-Kira
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