So this week went wayyyyy better than last week, even with the buffet after last WI (which would really be on last weeks tab anyway... oh right, I had no tab left!) and the first day that included eating out twice plus a very big cookie. I am proud to report that I have 12 WP's left and I earned 17 AP's since Thursday! My eating is starting to get sorted out as I'm really getting back into the OP swing of things and it feels good. It's not "perfect" yet as I do get hungry and stuff but I'm used to eating a lot more so I need to reshape my stomach bag a bit I think.
Anyway, really great WI was had tonight! I am down 3 lbs this week bringing my 2 week total up to 8 lbs!!! Oh my, I was so proud sitting in that meeting tonight :) On the walk home, I picked up subs from Subway for my BF and I for supper. I got home so friggin late from the meeting though! It's very different walking places than just hoping in the car and going. I got in just before 2000 (to catch the Biggest Loser!) and after finishing my sub, was considering dipping into those extra points I had left over from the week as I had already planned out the perfect OP day as a treat/reward to myself. I always used to do this the last few times I have been OP... well actually, just after WI's I wouldn't count Tuesday night. Not a great idea but I am the girl who rewarded herself with food, old habits die hard.
Well, boy am I ever glad I did not do it. I hopped on Facebook for a minute and got a message from a good friend from highschool who lives in Ottawa for school now (the girl who's grad show I went to see the last weekend I was in Ottawa) inviting the good ol' highschool gang out for breakfast on Friday as she will be in town for only like 2 days and of course she wants to see everyone. Great! We're going to the Irving Truck Stop restaurant for breakfast. What is the problem with that you may ask? The portions are huge, the food is unhealthy (like seriously, they don't serve fruit) and I can't remember what's on the menu because I haven't been there in a pretty long time... Well thats a lie, but the last time I was there it was a late dinner that involved poutine and wasn't exactly scoping out the menu for healthy choices. And local greasy spoons don't really list their menu's online either.
So what am I going to do? PANIC?!?! Nah, I'm hoping I can manage with the bit of a plan that I have slapped together in the last hour. So here's the plan, I'll just keep all my WP's for Friday and earn more AP's. The old me would have waved the white flag high up in the air and just dived into the oversized pancakes with tons of "table syrup" (I told you I am a carb-o-holic, see? Pancakes turn my crank :P) and then instantly felt regret and beat myself up for it for days. I am going to do my research and try to figure out points for a variety of things that I can kind of expect so I am armed to the best of my ability. I'm also considering biking to the restaurant (if I can ever find my Gee Dee bike lock!) so I don't overindulge, it'd just help. So thats my game plan... suggestions, comments and advise are welcomed and encouraged!
I also got my bike repaired this week. Hopefully I can use it to get some more activity points, but I just used it today to travel from my mechanic's garage and back and wow, am I out of shape with that too. Like come on! I'm too out of shape to bike? I know I've just got to build myself up like I did with the walking and not give up but COME ON! SERIOUSLY?!?! My lack of ability totally frustrates me. Like I said, I earned 17 AP's this week with walking from Thursday to Tuesday (with the exception of the time I needed to call my mom because of the T-storm). I'm hoping to walk everyday, which would earn me 21 AP's, and then I would like to add in some biking... but I'm not sure how much would be realistic for me. Maybe 10 AP's in the week? I'll figure it out and maybe announce it in my next YouTube video. Anyway, that's enough for me tonight!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (April 28/09): 253 lbs
Weight loss this week: 3 lbs
Total weight loss: 8 lbs
-Kira
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Unsupportiveness?
I ment to mention this in my last post but it got a little long and involved with my WI and trip out of town. My BF is totally my best friend, and I am that for him as well. The first time I did WW, I was in grade 11 in highschool and I was actively pursuing Chris who was not my BF at the time. He has seen me at my lowest weight and after we started going out, I stopped doing WW because I guess I got the guy. I started putting on weight and in between I did WW on and off but I never did the follow through. Here I am almost 7 years into this relationship and all I've done is gain almost 100 lbs. I think my lowest weight has been in the 160's and I remember I wore a size 10 dress from Fairweather to a formal.
So all the other times that I have done WW, I always told my BF how much weight I lost per week but I never told him the gains. He always used to be really proud and supportive when I told him that kind of stuff, althought I never told him my starting/current weight. I asked him once how much he thought I weighed when I was hovering in the 240's and he told me that he thought I was close to 200 lbs. I always felt really ashamed of my actual weight after that because I know he didn't low ball his answers like guys usually do... he's my best friend and we have a relationship where we can talk about anything.
So I had my WI on Tuesday and when I got in the car, I asked him if he wanted to know how my first week back OP was. I was very surprised to hear him tell me that he didn't care and that it didn't make a difference if he knew or not. I was really shocked to hear him say that... and going out for supper at a buffet ensued after that, I think I overate a little due to those extremely unkind words. But now that I reflect on it, it really helps me to realize that I have to finish it this time. No one, other than my mom, has seen me try and fail so many times than Chris. I do really well, and then something comes up where I get off track and I just feel like I've gone too far and I quit. I really can't do that this time, I have a lot of things to keep me accountable now.
So all the other times that I have done WW, I always told my BF how much weight I lost per week but I never told him the gains. He always used to be really proud and supportive when I told him that kind of stuff, althought I never told him my starting/current weight. I asked him once how much he thought I weighed when I was hovering in the 240's and he told me that he thought I was close to 200 lbs. I always felt really ashamed of my actual weight after that because I know he didn't low ball his answers like guys usually do... he's my best friend and we have a relationship where we can talk about anything.
So I had my WI on Tuesday and when I got in the car, I asked him if he wanted to know how my first week back OP was. I was very surprised to hear him tell me that he didn't care and that it didn't make a difference if he knew or not. I was really shocked to hear him say that... and going out for supper at a buffet ensued after that, I think I overate a little due to those extremely unkind words. But now that I reflect on it, it really helps me to realize that I have to finish it this time. No one, other than my mom, has seen me try and fail so many times than Chris. I do really well, and then something comes up where I get off track and I just feel like I've gone too far and I quit. I really can't do that this time, I have a lot of things to keep me accountable now.
- Meetings. I cannot quit and rejoin at my meeting after gaining a ton of weight again. It was very embarrassing and humbling to do it this time, I do not have the courage to do it again if I fall off track... so I won't.
- WW message boards. Maybe no one would notice if I vanished from them but when I came back and told everybody how I was rejoining, some people actually remembered me. Maybe I do mean something there.
- Accountability buddy. So there's this girl that has never met me nor knows my horrible WW history who has agreed to be my accountability buddy. I cannot believe that someone would do that... and she has been awesome so far! I think she might kick my ass if I dropped off the face of the earth to run away with bread.
- This damned blog. I used to have a livejournal for just personal blogging, it never worked out because I'd neglect to post updates and then feel like it's been to long since updating to post. Well now that my blog is focused on my WW journey, I feel like a lot of stress to blog is gone. I can write what I want, when I want because it's there to help me through my journey. If others read it out of interest, great.
- My YouTube channel. I like that I started making videos. I feel like if I stopped that, I'd regret it a great deal. It's not very popular but the subscribers I have now are wonderful :)
- My BF. I need to show him I'm better than what my track record has demonstrated. I'm definately not doing this for him, I don't think he cares really what my weight is. I just want to be healthy.
I just needed to get that off my chest. Better go and get ready to venture off to the library, today is the last Sunday it's open until September :(
-Kira
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Week 1 Results (a bit late)
My first week back OP went pretty well, at least I was satisfied. I used all of my WP and AP's, I guess I just needed to adjust to eating less and better quality foods. Unfortunately, I had to go out of town to Sudbury because my former boss's 17 year old son had passed away. I worked for one of the city pools for 2 years while I was there for school and this lady was a primo boss, so I decided to go back up to Sudbury to show my support for her. Her son had Duchen's Muscular Distrophy and was in a wheelchair, actually around this time last year he had a fall out of it and broke his femur. That eventually escalated into him developing a pulmonary embolism (basically a clot in his lung) and within the past few months, he developed pneumonia which finally put too much stress on him. Just incase you were wondering how this young boy came to pass. So my intentions were very good for the trip but they didn't exactly work out all that well.
I packed a lunch and multiple snacks for the car ride on both Tuesday and Wednesday, I even made a fruit salad for Wednesday morning so my BF and I didn't have to spend a ton of money eating out. I didn't eat many of my snacks in the car and it was getting close to WI time so I didn't want to eat much more. The water also suffered on the trip because bathrooms are few and far between driving up hwy 17. I had to WI at my old meeting location but I knew my starting weight there was lower than what I had started at this time around. I tried to explain to the lady at the scale that she had to change my starting weight but she really was not accomodating and just didn't. So that scale said that I had gained 7 lbs but actually since I rejoined at home, I have lost 5 lbs!
I'm trying not to get overly excited about my loss as this always happens when I restart the program. I really need to re-adjust my expectations, as this is where I get frustrated. I just don't lose the weight as fast as I feel I should. I watch shows like the Biggest Loser and I think that I should just drop the weight but I definately do not work as hard as the people on the show. I also get quite overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose. I'm kind of tossing around 140 lbs as my goal weight, but I am scared it might be too low for my height of 5'9". That can always be revised but at minimum, I'm looking at 100+ lbs. Everyone says to look at it with small goals in mind but I have always had great difficulty with that. I'm trying to just look forward to the first 10 lbs for the time being.
After my WI, I stumbled a little. My BF and I went out for dinner at an italian buffet where I tried to control myself by only eating until I was satisfied, but I do realize that I overindulged. I always seem to think that "Oh, WI is over. It doesn't matter what I eat now, my week restarts tomorrow." I know I have to change that aswell since that only creates more work for me in the next week! See? I know this program too well!
Anyway, the next day was a bit better. I did have that lovely fruit salad I made for breakfast but after the funeral, my friends from work wanted to go out for lunch and we ended up at Boston Pizza. I think I made a good choice there as I got a 6" BBQ Chicken Pizza (my absolute fave BP food) with a side salad. I definately wasn't expecting to have lunch in Sudbury, my BF and I were planning on stopping at our favourite cafe in North Bay for a late lunch/early supper. Well I couldn't say no to my friends that I won't see again for a long time so we ended up staying in the city awjile longer and stopping for supper in the Bay too. Ok choices there too, soup, salad and a philly cheesesteak sandwich (ok, maybe that wasn't the greatest :P) but then as we were leaving, I got a stupid cookie. I really didn't need that cookie and it really wasn't that good.
I also need to confess that I have a Larabar addiction. Those things are sooooo good. I could eat 2 a day easy! I also have an accountability buddy from the message boards, who I definatly neglected being accountable to but I think we have that all sorted out now. So here's my shout out to Katie :) ALSO!!! I have a YouTube channel! Check it out @ http://www.youtube.com/user/abcdefghijkira I'm going to try to do weekly videos to share my journey with whoever cares to watch. Anyway, thats enough from me for now!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (April 21/09): 256 lbs
Total weight loss: 5 lbs
-Kira
I packed a lunch and multiple snacks for the car ride on both Tuesday and Wednesday, I even made a fruit salad for Wednesday morning so my BF and I didn't have to spend a ton of money eating out. I didn't eat many of my snacks in the car and it was getting close to WI time so I didn't want to eat much more. The water also suffered on the trip because bathrooms are few and far between driving up hwy 17. I had to WI at my old meeting location but I knew my starting weight there was lower than what I had started at this time around. I tried to explain to the lady at the scale that she had to change my starting weight but she really was not accomodating and just didn't. So that scale said that I had gained 7 lbs but actually since I rejoined at home, I have lost 5 lbs!
I'm trying not to get overly excited about my loss as this always happens when I restart the program. I really need to re-adjust my expectations, as this is where I get frustrated. I just don't lose the weight as fast as I feel I should. I watch shows like the Biggest Loser and I think that I should just drop the weight but I definately do not work as hard as the people on the show. I also get quite overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose. I'm kind of tossing around 140 lbs as my goal weight, but I am scared it might be too low for my height of 5'9". That can always be revised but at minimum, I'm looking at 100+ lbs. Everyone says to look at it with small goals in mind but I have always had great difficulty with that. I'm trying to just look forward to the first 10 lbs for the time being.
After my WI, I stumbled a little. My BF and I went out for dinner at an italian buffet where I tried to control myself by only eating until I was satisfied, but I do realize that I overindulged. I always seem to think that "Oh, WI is over. It doesn't matter what I eat now, my week restarts tomorrow." I know I have to change that aswell since that only creates more work for me in the next week! See? I know this program too well!
Anyway, the next day was a bit better. I did have that lovely fruit salad I made for breakfast but after the funeral, my friends from work wanted to go out for lunch and we ended up at Boston Pizza. I think I made a good choice there as I got a 6" BBQ Chicken Pizza (my absolute fave BP food) with a side salad. I definately wasn't expecting to have lunch in Sudbury, my BF and I were planning on stopping at our favourite cafe in North Bay for a late lunch/early supper. Well I couldn't say no to my friends that I won't see again for a long time so we ended up staying in the city awjile longer and stopping for supper in the Bay too. Ok choices there too, soup, salad and a philly cheesesteak sandwich (ok, maybe that wasn't the greatest :P) but then as we were leaving, I got a stupid cookie. I really didn't need that cookie and it really wasn't that good.
I also need to confess that I have a Larabar addiction. Those things are sooooo good. I could eat 2 a day easy! I also have an accountability buddy from the message boards, who I definatly neglected being accountable to but I think we have that all sorted out now. So here's my shout out to Katie :) ALSO!!! I have a YouTube channel! Check it out @ http://www.youtube.com/user/abcdefghijkira I'm going to try to do weekly videos to share my journey with whoever cares to watch. Anyway, thats enough from me for now!
Starting weight (April 14/09): 261 lbs
Current weight (April 21/09): 256 lbs
Total weight loss: 5 lbs
-Kira
Monday, April 20, 2009
Carb-a-holic
I often hear/read people/posts talking about how they have this one thing that is their total weakness such as chocolate or chips, you know those kind of things. I have often tried to figure out what my kryptonite food was but I could never narrow it down. Well, I finally have a name for myself and it is CARB-O-HOLIC. I love bread, buns, cake, muffins, etc. and honeslty could eat a dozen soft chewy buns in a blink of an eye (I never have but I've wanted to). When I was in highschool and I went to Curves, I tried their diet program and basically their approach was to limit my carb intake and up my protein. That did not work for me, I did try but I was constantly seeking the stuff I liked in low-carb form and when it turned out to be revolting, I just lied to myself and cheated.
Coffee shops with their baked treats are hell for me. I can control myself but sometimes I don't want to. That right there is what I need to control. I often think that maybe I'm bulemic but I don't like to throw up because I can binge on this kind of stuff and it feels like what I want to do. I always feel completely aweful afterwards but in my head, it's never really that bad. I sincerly appreciate that WW doesn't expect me to give up the carbs I love so much but honestly, I wish I just had a thing for chocolate. It's not that it seems like an easier addiction (which I am sure it is not) but it's more that it is one that more people can relate to. Well, thats what I think anyway but who the hell am I really? LOL
-Kira
Coffee shops with their baked treats are hell for me. I can control myself but sometimes I don't want to. That right there is what I need to control. I often think that maybe I'm bulemic but I don't like to throw up because I can binge on this kind of stuff and it feels like what I want to do. I always feel completely aweful afterwards but in my head, it's never really that bad. I sincerly appreciate that WW doesn't expect me to give up the carbs I love so much but honestly, I wish I just had a thing for chocolate. It's not that it seems like an easier addiction (which I am sure it is not) but it's more that it is one that more people can relate to. Well, thats what I think anyway but who the hell am I really? LOL
-Kira
Challenges past and challenges future
Getting back on track was way tougher than I originally anticipated. Why do I think it's so easy everytime I rejoin? Even though I get 33 points a day, I friggin went over and used my extra points on most days. BUT! I did it with my eyes closed and ate the stuff without tracking until later... so they're all gone. Good thing I did some activity this week, I hope it's enough and I tracked it right. The walk to and from the library is working out alright, it's really forcing me to study for my licencing exam. It really made me realize how out of shape I was/am, my hips hurt so bad the first time I did it and I really just wanted to drive after that but since I have very few monies at this time, it keeps me from getting in the car.
I was also nervous to go to Ottawa yesterday for Costco shopping and Court's grad show since I usually blow it when leaving the safety of our kitchen. I did so well though! I'm so proud of myself and it was very encouraging to survive not one but two meals out and have 3.5 points left when I got home! The trip to Starbucks before leaving Ottawa after dinner was a poor decision though as I am wide awake at 0330. While I was out yesterday, I managed to get my copy of the new Hungry Girl book! I have already flipped through all the pages and wow, does it ever look like great stuff. It always pisses me off that we don't have some of the stuff the recipes call for in Canada but etools saves my butt there. I also recently got Eat Shrink and Be Merry and tried the pizza crust and sauce to make a great pizza loaded with veggies and some ground turk. The whole thing was gone by the end of dinner, mom actually ate it and Chris seemed pleased with it too! So that will be repeated for sure and soon :)
So as for upcoming challenges, I don't get to weigh in at my meeting this week. My old boss's son passed away, so I'm heading up to Sudbury on Tuesday to be supportive. I can weigh in up there so not really a big deal but I wanted to go to MY meeting. This trip must be planned and packed for emmaculately foodwise for me, and Chris will want some too so I guess I should pack extra :P I'm just gonna pack breakfast and lunch stuff, eating out for supper can be managed. It's only an overnight thing but travelling usually destroys me... But if I managed yesterday in Ottawa with mom, I can do this.
Picked up Larabars at Costco today. Those are the most delish things ever! Will be fitting one of those into my points every fricken day.
-Kira
I was also nervous to go to Ottawa yesterday for Costco shopping and Court's grad show since I usually blow it when leaving the safety of our kitchen. I did so well though! I'm so proud of myself and it was very encouraging to survive not one but two meals out and have 3.5 points left when I got home! The trip to Starbucks before leaving Ottawa after dinner was a poor decision though as I am wide awake at 0330. While I was out yesterday, I managed to get my copy of the new Hungry Girl book! I have already flipped through all the pages and wow, does it ever look like great stuff. It always pisses me off that we don't have some of the stuff the recipes call for in Canada but etools saves my butt there. I also recently got Eat Shrink and Be Merry and tried the pizza crust and sauce to make a great pizza loaded with veggies and some ground turk. The whole thing was gone by the end of dinner, mom actually ate it and Chris seemed pleased with it too! So that will be repeated for sure and soon :)
So as for upcoming challenges, I don't get to weigh in at my meeting this week. My old boss's son passed away, so I'm heading up to Sudbury on Tuesday to be supportive. I can weigh in up there so not really a big deal but I wanted to go to MY meeting. This trip must be planned and packed for emmaculately foodwise for me, and Chris will want some too so I guess I should pack extra :P I'm just gonna pack breakfast and lunch stuff, eating out for supper can be managed. It's only an overnight thing but travelling usually destroys me... But if I managed yesterday in Ottawa with mom, I can do this.
Picked up Larabars at Costco today. Those are the most delish things ever! Will be fitting one of those into my points every fricken day.
-Kira
Friday, April 17, 2009
First Post!
So here I am again. I have moved back home after finishing school for the year, except it's a little different this time around. I'm graduating this year, so this means I have to find myself a job and a new place to live. I'm not staying in my hometown as it's a bit of a black hole and my boyfriend can't find a good job in his field of interest so we're blowing this joint as soon as I get hired.
So why am I rejoining WW? There are definately a few reasons.
1) Around Christmas, I literally had no pants to wear. So I went to Reitmans and bought a couple pair of jeans and a pair of dress pants in a size... 18. Never before had I needed to go above a size 16 and it spooked me.
2) I have always managed to stay under the 250 mark and basically always assumed I would never let myself get over that line. Well my Poppa passed away quite suddenly and I cried, and I ate, and I ate and cried simutaneously. I finally saw 251 on the scale and by the time I moved home and such, the scale told me I was 255.
3) I am not happy with myself in a few ways. I don't like the way I look, I don't like the danger I have put myself in with repsect to developing serious health conditions, and I do not like the way I eat. As much as my boyfriend says that I'm beautiful no matter what size I am, I feel like one day I could no longer be attractive to him. I want him to always want me, as much as I always want him. I am a nurse and I know what I'm doing to myself. I am eating myself to death, quite literally. My dad was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and he's changed his lifestyle, but that puts me at a higher risk... and I don't like those odds. I simply eat crap. No way around that fact, but it's gotta stop.
4) I want to get married and have my body ready for babies. I want to look so beautiful on my wedding day and not have family members gossiping about how fat I am and that I've been this way since I was a kid. And as much as I hate the way my friend's kid's act, I still want my own. I think they deserve to incubate in a healthy environment.
I rejoined WW meetings this past Tuesday (April 14, 2009) and weighed in at 261 lbs. I was absolutely shocked and speechless at seeing that weight in my little weight tracking book, like literally I contributed nothing to the meeting where I usually talk a bunch. I need to make this work and this time I will. I am committing to not stopping. I want to succeed where I have not succeeded so many times before. I know that I need a ton of support, which is why I have become more active on the WW community message boards and am contemplating doing video posts on youtube like so many inspiring people do. Maybe one day I can inspire someone.
-Kira
So why am I rejoining WW? There are definately a few reasons.
1) Around Christmas, I literally had no pants to wear. So I went to Reitmans and bought a couple pair of jeans and a pair of dress pants in a size... 18. Never before had I needed to go above a size 16 and it spooked me.
2) I have always managed to stay under the 250 mark and basically always assumed I would never let myself get over that line. Well my Poppa passed away quite suddenly and I cried, and I ate, and I ate and cried simutaneously. I finally saw 251 on the scale and by the time I moved home and such, the scale told me I was 255.
3) I am not happy with myself in a few ways. I don't like the way I look, I don't like the danger I have put myself in with repsect to developing serious health conditions, and I do not like the way I eat. As much as my boyfriend says that I'm beautiful no matter what size I am, I feel like one day I could no longer be attractive to him. I want him to always want me, as much as I always want him. I am a nurse and I know what I'm doing to myself. I am eating myself to death, quite literally. My dad was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and he's changed his lifestyle, but that puts me at a higher risk... and I don't like those odds. I simply eat crap. No way around that fact, but it's gotta stop.
4) I want to get married and have my body ready for babies. I want to look so beautiful on my wedding day and not have family members gossiping about how fat I am and that I've been this way since I was a kid. And as much as I hate the way my friend's kid's act, I still want my own. I think they deserve to incubate in a healthy environment.
I rejoined WW meetings this past Tuesday (April 14, 2009) and weighed in at 261 lbs. I was absolutely shocked and speechless at seeing that weight in my little weight tracking book, like literally I contributed nothing to the meeting where I usually talk a bunch. I need to make this work and this time I will. I am committing to not stopping. I want to succeed where I have not succeeded so many times before. I know that I need a ton of support, which is why I have become more active on the WW community message boards and am contemplating doing video posts on youtube like so many inspiring people do. Maybe one day I can inspire someone.
-Kira
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