This morning was when I was supposed to go out for breakfast with my friend from out of town and local highschool friends at the truckstop. I need to say that I am VERY proud of myself and managed to chose a veggie omlette with 1 egg and 2 egg whites and an english muffin. The only thing about my meal that was kind of dissappointing was the english muffin came saturated in butter. I really didn't hold back and actually tried to soak some of it up with my napkin! It worked a bit but there was still some in the thicker half of the english muffin. In comparison to what my friends ordered (someone even ordered a chocolate milkshake), my breakfast was ver WW friendly. Oh, I looked at pancakes on the menu and I wanted those pancakes but I decided that it wasn't worth it and that I would make my own healthier pancakes at home sometime this week.
So I don't usually get very emotional or anything during my TOM but today was outrageous. I got thinking about my current job situation late this morning and it completely overwhelmed me. I really think I had a small anxiety attack and it included crying and everything. Not one of my finer moments but in the heat of it, I found myself in front of the fridge... searching. At this point, I hadn't had lunch yet and only moments before I had not been hungry enough to have lunch, but I found myself ignoring the fact that I had already planned to have a salad and crustini. In the past, I have turned to food for comfort with no regard for the fact that I am doing WW and it's always the bad stuff, like making a batch of chololate chip cookies, eating half of the batter and then half of the cookies that are baked. I am a binge eater and as soon as I feel emotional pain, all I want to do is binge. Today was no exception.
The only difference between today and the binge days of the past is I woke up out of my trance and said out loud "Kira! What are you doing?" I literally JUST survived going out to breakfast with my friends at a truckstop, why am I trying to ruin my day with the junk thats in the house??? And trust me, the junk thats in my house isn't anything I really want, it's all my mom's. So I walked away from the fridge and decided that if I was going to have a snack right then and there, I could track it first and eat it as slowly as possible. An apple pie Larabar at 3 points saved my day. I really believe that I enjoyed that Larabar more than the bingefest I could have pursued. Plus, I didn't have to beat myself up for it and try to count up points for damage control!
I feel so much better being in control. I literally had no control at some points in time in the past. I can't say for sure that I won't have moments of weakness in the future and indulge myself a little, but I'm done with the self-destructive behaviour and out of control binging. I think that I'm starting to gain more respect for myself by not allowing these destructive patterns to continue and be a part of my lifestyle. There is no need for binging, it only provides a false sense of comfort that soon after turns to regret. I am pleased to say that my WP's and AP's are still fully intact for this week. Really, 32 points in a day is enough... when I get to a lower weight, I'm going to have to do it on less. I know they're there and I can have them when I want but I need to first become fully adjusted to a limited number of points per day. Anyway, thats what has been on my mind.
-Kira
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I'm so proud of you! Emotional eating is very tough for me as well. But you pushed through and look at how great you feel! Congrads on the NSV! Keep on going and the weight will just fall off :).
ReplyDeleteKira!! You did so amazing!! I`m soo proud of you!! Binge/emotional eating are real problems of mine too, way to take control!!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much ladies! I'm kinda glad to hear I'm not alone with the binging, I am a lot happier that I didn't have a massive chow down on things I didn't actually want :)
ReplyDeleteI might have to invest in some of these Larabars for the future :) What an awesome tip! Big hugs, you deserve it!
ReplyDeleteI wrote this after your comment, but I wanted to also post it here to be sure you'd see it (and I wanted to add that comment about TOPS was hilarious!!! :)
ReplyDeleteKira my heart aches for you. ((hugs)) If you can: write about it and talk it out with someone you trust. It wasnt until this year (January) that I finally came to terms with what was really bothering me about my weight.
And it was his comments all along.
I wrote him a letter and never sent it (thankfully!!!) but it got it all out there in the open. Then, I videotaped myself reading it (bawling) and have saved it for someday when I feel like looking back to see how far I've come.
When I played the video for myself right after, I kinda had to laugh because I realized I was holding onto a lot of things that I really needed to forgive. Like I said something to him about calling me fat in a leotard. And I had a mental picture of me, being 8, and a little pudgy at that point, in a leotard and thought: well you probably shouldn't have been wearing that anyway - a la Stacy and Clinton ;)
Thank you so much for being so wonderful and so supportive, it means so much to me. xoxo